COMPETING COMMITMENTS COMPLICATE CONJUGALITY

Success in marriage has everything to do with commitment. Recall your
wedding vows. Didn't you say you were going to stay with this relationship
and work through everything? If you had a traditional ceremony you said you
would stick through better or worse, sickness or health, for richer or for
poorer, 'til death do you part.

Of course, I realize that there are lots of reasons why that vow must,
sometimes, be broken and I don't mean to blame anyone who's done so. But
the plain fact remains. The one thing that helps most to keep couples
together is their refusal to have it any other way. If you want it badly
enough, you can make it work. All you have to do is whatever it takes.
No doubt, if you've been together for a significant amount of time, you've
already done many things over the years that demonstrate your commitment to
your marriage. But you may have other commitments, too. And some of them
may be interfering with your successful marriage. I refer here to
commitments you might have made to yourself when you were still a child.

CHILDHOOD COMMITMENTS "PROTECT" YOU

Gordon Hatcher, a marriage and family therapist from Orlando and the
current president of the Florida Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
(FAMFT), uses this concept of competing commitments in his therapy. Now,
what might be some of the commitments made in childhood that would interfere
with marital success? There are many. And they are all undertaken for the
same reason: protection. Protection from what? Fear. Fear of what?
Well, that's one of the questions Gordon asks his clients. What would be
the disaster that would befall you if your worst fears were realized? Let's
be more specific.

Suppose you had a lot of emotional pain as a kid. Who knows why? It's not
uncommon. You might have decided at an early age that you would avoid pain
at any cost. Why? Well, when you're a little kid you worry that pain will
kill you. So, you try not to have anymore. How do you prevent pain? By
not feeling. Think that works in marriage? Not hardly!
Now, suppose you lived in a chaotic environment as a kid. Maybe your
family was continually on the verge of falling apart. You decided to do
what you could to prevent that. So you tried to control other people so
that they wouldn't get too crazy. And you committed yourself to this
tactic, perhaps unconsciously. You never knew you were doing it. You just
did it. Maybe you still do. What's the disaster? Your life will fall
apart? Will it really? Or is this just a remnant from your childhood
fantasies?

OUTDATED COMMITMENTS GET IN THE WAY

Outdated commitments we made to ourselves as children get in the way of our
success as adults. Here are a few other common ones: I have to please
others in order to gain their love; I have to be perfect or else I'm not
worthy; I have to play all the time or I'll miss out on life; I have to work
all the time or I'm not man (or woman) enough; I must avoid conflict because
I might kill somebody or get killed; I have to win every battle or else I'll
be a loser; I have to get what I want or I'll be unhappy; I can't risk
because if I fail I'll be finished. That's just a few. If you were to
become more aware of your competing commitments maybe your adult life would
run smoother. What's your favorite remnant?