WHY MEN AVOID INTIMACY

           Most of the men I see are not really looking for therapy. They just want their wives to be happier.  It does make sense.  If the woman is happy then she'll treat her man lovingly, accept him as he is, stop criticizing, be supportive and not ask for things he doesn't know how to give.  Problem is, she won't be happy until he gives her what she's lacking: an intimate connection.  Worse than that, he doesn't even know what that is, why she needs it or that he can't give it.  He wishes she'd just be content with all he does give her: everything he has.

            But she's not buying it.  After all, he used to be intimate with her, when they were in love, when his feelings were in the forefront and he was motivated by his desire for her, by his desire for connection.  If felt natural before.  Why can't we have it again?  Why can't we stay close like that?

FINDING LOVE AND LOSING IT

            Intimacy is our natural condition.  We are born into it and equipped for it.  The mother and child bond is where it starts.  Mother and child feel each other.  There is pleasure and comfort in that.  But at some point we lose that closeness.  It's a loss that hurts but, because we want to grow up, we don't cry over it.  Growing up has its own rewards. 

For boys, growing up is moving away from intimacy, learning to be independent, to function in a competitive world of power relations.  In the masculine world of accomplishment and hierarchy, tender feelings are associated with weakness.  Vulnerability is not a good thing.  It doesn't matter whether they're your own feelings or someone else's. We learn to downplay them.  We learn this so well it cripples us in love. Women don't have this problem because they don't have to be masculine.  They don't have to be tough.  Toughness and intimacy don't really go together that well.  To allow someone else to really reach you, or, for that matter, to really reach yourself, you have to be tender, not tough.

 CONNECTION AND POWER

            Because intimate connection is our natural state, we continue to crave it.  Men do, too.  But it's harder for men to stick with connection when conflict arises.  For one thing, when you have conflict, you will sometimes be "wrong". To grow, one must learn lessons and change.  Men characteristically have trouble with this because to be wrong is to be "one down" in the relationship, on your way to "defeat".  This is humiliating; we feel ashamed, especially if we've been raised with conditional love that taught us there was something defective within.   But this is barely conscious.  Men don't allow themselves to feel that for more than an instant.  Defenses kick in.  The main defense for men is grandiosity.  We go from underdog to topdog in a flash, from victim to dominator.  We escalate to turn the tables.  "You insult me or fail to honor my excellence, I'll kick your butt!(or at least scare you)"

            Of course, we hate that we did that, too, so we quickly clam up.  From shame, to rage, to withdrawal in a matter of minutes.   Please be numb when I get back.

HONESTY AND LOVE

            True intimacy means preserving your self while staying close to another.  In conflict, this means telling your truth without intimidating or withdrawing. Men like to pretend they're calm and in control.  Unfortunately, to preserve that state, they often have to avoid intimacy altogether. It's a sacrifice but, hey, we're men. We can handle it.