SURVIVING INFIDELITY  

            Extramarital cheating is one of the surest ways to devastate a marriage.  The only thing more damaging is physical abuse.  Infidelity is the best predictor of subsequent divorce, even better than abuse. In fact, the impact of extramarital sex on divorce is more than twice as large as that of any other relationship problem.  Most couples don't survive, once infidelity is discovered.  The betrayal is just too great.  That doesn't mean it's impossible to survive an affair.  Just difficult.

            There are several demographic risk factors associated with cheating.  First among them is gender.  Men cheat more often than women.  One 1997 study found that 22.7 percent of men and 11.6 percent of women had had an extramarital sexual involvement during their marriage.  Another risk factor is race.  African-American men are more likely to wander.  Age is another factor.  Younger people stray more often.

            Not all infidelity is the same.  Some affairs are practically "accidental", unplanned, opportunistic encounters with little, if any, emotional involvement.  Then there is habitual philandering which can have any of several motives.  Romantic affairs include substantial, sometimes compelling, emotional involvement. Finally, there are "arrangements", most of which are undertaken with the awareness (even if not acknowledged) of all parties.

            But how do couples survive this catastrophe?  Can a marriage actually improve as a result of infidelity?              A recent study delineates the ways in which couples survive the crisis of infidelity. (Olsen et al, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, October, 2002)  There are three stages of recovery:

STAGE ONE:  THE ROLLER COASTER

During the initial period following disclosure, emotions are extremely intense with rage, panic, hatred, grief and blaming (both of self and other). Emotions vacillate, hence the title of this stage.  For the offended party, anger may alternate with despondency.  Determination to end the marriage cycles with a resolve to save it. Some survivors begin to realize that the marriage was defective or damaged even before the incident.  This phase is referred to by some couples as an "eye opener".  Very often, couples have been drifting for some time in a sick or crippled relationship without really acknowledging it.  The affair brings it to their attention in a way that is painful, shocking and undeniable.

 STAGE TWO:  THE MORATORIUM

            In the second phase, emotional reactivity begins to subside.  Thinking takes over from feeling.  There is often an obsession over details and requests for information on the part of the injured spouse. Some partners fervently long to meet, confront or, at least, see the backdoor lover.  Many couples spend time apart during this phase, some without actually changing residences.  There may be some withdrawal from social contacts due to embarrassment and shame. Communication between the spouses during this phase may be limited to "maintenance" conversation that can't be avoided.  Despite the temptation to withdraw, the support of others can be crucial in this period.  By the end of this period (and it can be a long one), couples who are still together have decided that they are going to try to make it work. 

STAGE THREE:  TRUST BUILDING

            This phase is normally the longest of all.  To be successful it must involve reengagement, taking responsibility, reassurance of commitment, increased communication and forgiveness.  This should lead to a greater openness in the marriage, with more honesty, even though this can be painful at times.  The injured spouse needs to experience remorsefulness on the part of the cheater.  Phrases like, "I'm so sorry I hurt you," "I'll never do that again," and "What can I do to save us?" can help to move things along toward forgiveness.  And, yes, forgiveness is necessary, eventually.